HPC (Hundred Per Cent Club) at IBM

2013 IBM

IBM, along with other large companies, used multi-media extravaganzas for major product launches. It also used them on its very lavish (‘100% Club’) sales conventions. The sky was the limit for such events, and they could out-dazzle any West End show. IBM regularly used troupes of singers and dancers in spectacular sets, hosted by world-class entertainers. Laser light shows and special effects were almost standard. As part of the Marketing Group I was involved in mounting one launch where a full size mock-up of a jet airliner was rolled on to the stage - just to provide a dramatic entrance for the national sales manager! The cost of these high jinks was phenomenal, often running into hundreds of thousands of pounds.

The basic standby was then almost always the multi-screen audiovisual presentation, employing dozens of computer-linked slide projectors to cover a screen perhaps 50 feet wide. They were spectacular. But they were typically used in all their glory for as few as five or six sessions of five minutes each, adding up to less than half an hour out of a two-day meeting, and at a total cost approaching £100,000. They were intended to be uplifting centrepieces (in theory they had a message), but more usually they were instantly forgettable as any message was swamped by the spectacular medium.

In practice, the real meat consisted of IBM managers talking to single slide presentations. It was the content of these simple presentations that enthralled the audience; otherwise that speaker had to review his future career in IBM!

To be fair, the club's really were jollies! There was very little, apart from the IBM speakers, that was serious. Thus, during the daytime, we used to have talks by people like Peter Ustinov or Barry Norman . For me, it was especially interesting to meet these people afterwards. It's not often that you get to meet celebrities of this calibre.

Indeed, at one launch when I was running Biomedical Group – at a launch for the whole GBG division I should say -- the visiting speaker was Jeffrey Archer. I was privileged - where he was then a top-line celebrity - to sit alongside him at lunch, for more than a couple of hours. I found him a fascinating character, albeit very naïve. When I learned that his fee for speaking was given to charity, I suggested that he might make that information available to the audience -- which he did and, clearly to his surprise, got another round of applause. With him, though, was his wife Mary Archer. I had the impression then that she was a rather mousy little housewife. I couldn't have been more wrong; could I. But I got the impression that she did not let Jeffrey out of her sight for one second -- so maybe some of the later stories really were true.

At the 100% clubs they also had excellent entertainment in the evening. I remember seeing Ella Fitzgerald singing from just a few feet away, and actually meeting her in the lift afterwards, but they had other acts which were just as good. No expense was spared.

The 100% Clubs took place in beautiful places. However, there was a limit to the number of these -- since the hotels had to be able to accommodate 3,000 IBM sales personnel at a time. This also meant that we had to share our bedrooms, hardly the grandest of styles. But the locations made up for this. My first club was in Berlin. It was all strange to me, but I still remember some things which were indicative of later clubs to come. Thus I remember walking down the Kurfurstendam, to find it full of IBMers in dark suits and white shirts swaying drunkenly backwards and forwards and accosting all the prostitutes who used to congregate there with comments such as 'how much duckie'.

This wasn't the worst offender in IBM history. Sometime later, at a club I didn't go to, the South African delegation threw all the furniture from their bedrooms; out of the 12^th floor windows. They were met on their arrival back in South Africa by the general manager who fired them all on the spot.

In Berlin, though, we had some interesting outings. It was a first time I had really toured Berlin and I was astounded by the number of lakes that there were. Going into East Berlin, was the star event. It was before the wall came down and 3,000 IBM people going through checkpoint Charlie put almost everyone into a panic. Never mind, we got through. I got more worried when we were going to the Russian war memorial, the one that commemorated their half million or so dead soldiers, when the buses had to stop every few hundred yards. It had been a very boozy night before, and at the stops dozens of IBMers poured out to be sick on the roadside. I was quite worried that we would get to the balustrade, overlooking the war memorial, and all the IBMers would simultaneously lean over the balustrade to be sick on the memorial itself. I really was quite worried that we might all be arrested. With typical of IBM efficiency, however, all buses the following morning had on-board loos!

Also in Berlin, which I had visited previously, I went down to the basement of the Kempinski hotel which I had visited previously and where I knew there was a mixed sauna. As usual I much enjoyed myself down there. In the sauna there were myself and two very beautiful naked German girls. I foolishly mentioned this to someone the following day for. As a result, when I went down again in the evening, I opened the door to the sauna to discover row upon row of sweaty IBMers waiting for a beautiful girl to enter Of course there were no beautiful girls inside.

The final indicator of IBM club behaviour came when I and my roommate, an engineer, got back to the hotel late at night to discover a considerable amount of noise coming from close to where our room was. We ultimately discovered, to our horror, it was our room -- which had been commandeered. The high jinks were only finished when the hotel management came and stopped them, because other guests had complained about IBM salesmen roller-skating nude down the corridors!

I don't think any other clubs were quite as rowdy. In any case, I'd learnt my lesson. I studiously avoided going out boozing of a night, since the hangover following day just didn't make it worthwhile. On the other hand most IBM salesmen couldn't resist the temptation.

I went to a number of other clubs, one in Estoril - Portugal which gave me an opportunity to see Lisbon. But by far my favourite location, to which we fortunately went twice, was Cannes.

IBM never stinted anything on the 100% club, hence I stayed in the Carlton, which was one the best hotels in the world. Perhaps that was why the IBMers’ behaviour was rather better. Cannes is a lovely town and is well worth exploring.

The first time I went there they had the old casino, and I went there every evening. It was, indeed, an experience to savour. In those days it was a beautiful turn-of-the-century building, where its later replacement was an ugly concrete bunker. On my first visit it was full of high rollers. Thus, on the roulette tables, which were the main feature, it was not unusual to have half million pounds riding on one spin of the wheel. It was fascinating to sit there and watch the various dramas taking place. There were little old ladies, with their systems, writing in books and placing small bets. There were others placing perhaps as much as £100,000 a time. In particular, though, I noticed one very beautiful woman who had a chinchilla coat - the ultimate in luxury, so I knew she was very wealthy. She oozed money from every inch of her couturier clothes. I then saw her catch up with her husband, an ugly ape who I would say was almost certainly one of the Italian Mafia bosses from across the nearby Italian border

I only bet ten pounds and then let it ride, on black or red, until it had accumulated nearly £900; at which point I lost it. It is a useful talking point to say that you've lost £900 on one turn of the wheel. It interests people who have never taken a risk like that - and of course it really only cost me £10! My presence there was useful, because when the other IBMers later on asked where I had been I was able to say 'in the casino', and they thought I must be mad (but brave) because it was so expensive. But all it cost me was £20 to get in and £10 down on the table; whereas they would have spent £50 and £60 on booze, and would have a massive hangover.

It was, I believe, symptomatic that there were two highlights to the IBM conventions over the years, as remembered by the popular culture. These were, on the one hand, the spectacular on-stage firework show that just as spectacularly went wrong and set fire to the set; with panic among the organisers as the audience had to be evacuated and the theatre nearly burnt down. On the other hand, there were the performances of Frank Cummiskey, one of IBM's star performers and a US vice-president, simply sitting on the edge of the stage, with only a hand mike as support, informally chatting with an enthralled audience of hundreds.

The US clubs were very different. I went to a number of them, as part of Biomedical Group. They were different in as much as they were advertised as ‘recognition events’ and lived up to the title. There were very few entertaining elements, and mainly they were about presenting the prizes to the best people, to the best performers, from the previous year. They were also very much in line with the format that Tom Watson had set up in the first half of the century. Thus, the president of the club was 'elected' - albeit by the management. In my first such recognition event at Palm Springs -- the whole of the back wall of the conference suite was then thrown open and he marched up to the podium accompanied by high school marching band. Thereafter, everyone who got to prize had to run-up to the podium, to the cheers of his branch. My British colleague was appalled by the whole thing, though I saw it as an interesting aspect of American culture. I always enjoyed immersing myself in such foreign cultural events.

Biomedical Group, though, had its own - rather more muted - recognition meeting as a side event.

I loved my time at the Palm Springs club. I had hated it when I went there previously, on holiday with Pat and the family. Then we had arrived at night, stayed in a tourist hotel and left the following morning: at the time when the American colleges were on the vacation and the place was full of drunk students. At the IBM club, though, I stayed in one of the best hotels, the Canyon Club. Thus, I was able to get up at four o'clock in the morning -- since I had not yet recovered from jet lag -- open my patio door and dive into the pool outside. There I was able to swim as the sun came out on the mountains behind Palm Springs. It was one of the most luxurious times I have ever had.

I had the room to myself, since I was there for several days before the club arrived. Best of all, after breakfast I used to go out horse riding - through the desert - something I have rarely done at other times.

I also managed to go up the aerial tramway to the top of the peak nearby, which we didn't have time to do on our American holiday.

At another club I was able to go to Alcatraz, for which my wife hated me - since on holiday she wanted to go there and I persuaded her and my parents to go around the Bay instead!

Indeed, that club in San Francisco was also one of best. We stayed at the hotel on top of Nob Hill, and it was one of best hotels I have ever stayed at. The standard was not set by its swimming pool, it didn't have one, but by the service. I put my suit in for cleaning - by mistake - having literally forgotten what day it was, due to my jet lag. An hour later I realised my mistake. I had a meeting almost immediately due, and frantically asked room service to retrieve my suit. It was back within ten minutes; cleaned and pressed! It was not cheap hotel, none of the IBM to hotels were. But I especially remember Len Naroskin, the European Manager, offering to pick up the drinks’ bill in the piano bar, where we had been listening to some very pleasant jazz being played by the pianist. He was horrified to find that, for half a dozen of us, the bill was nearly 200 dollars. Best of all, I saved up my normal dinner allowances, and instead went to the dinner cabaret -- which starred George Shearing and Mel Torme; two of my all-time favourites.

For a change, I went out by myself, and took a cab to the wharf. It was drizzling with rain and the roads were slippery. Going down one of the hills, one which the trams followed, the taxi driver tried to brake when he was on the tramlines. As a result, we suddenly slid sideways down the hill. The problem was that we just fitted, sideways, between rows of cars on either side of the road. When we reached one of the flat parts, I got out unharmed. But I had to catch another cab - for the driver was shaking so much he couldn't drive. He clearly had a vision of side-swiping dozens of cars on the way down and ending up owing hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Bob Warren was also with me at that club. He had spent some time in the Santa Clara valley, at one of the IBM labs; so I went with him to visit his friends there. With them we first went to Los Gatos, to the shopping centre there. The book shop was wonderful. I guess it was the precursor of the 'Frazier' style combination of bookshop with coffee lounge; for, although it was small, it served coffee as you sat in comfortable armchairs and read the books - with classical music playing in the background. I loved it. We then went to the home of his friend, an IBM SE, who had a condo nearby. She had one of the first PCs and had used it to catalogue her wine cellar. Inevitably, perhaps, we went with her up on top of the nearby mountains to a small - very high quality - vineyard. The wine tasting there, with her regular group, was taken very seriously - but the wine was beautiful.

In the evening we went to Bob's favourite restaurant, just below the airport - overlooking the bay. It was a uniquely Californian 'surf and turf' restaurant, with the inevitable pianist playing jazz, but the combination of steak and lobster was excellent; if rather expensive!

Like many Americans, San Francisco is my favourite city there; though its weather is very variable, just like Britain. Accordingly, I would prefer to live in the Santa Clara (Silicon) Valley, since – while it is within easy reach of San Francisco – it has the endless sunshine of the rest of California.

[back] [home]

Hit Counter hits