1970s PRIVATE LIFE

0218 Managing Children

Like all of us in our middle-class, and in our generation, our approach to children was covered by the new rules posited in the 1960s by Doctor Spock. Accordingly, children were fragile beings whose life could be blighted if you handled them the wrong way. 

In my youth children had done what they were told.  The classic saying was children should be seen but not heard. There was no easy equivalent to this in the 1960s. At that time, bringing up children demanded totally new skills.  I'm sure that Doctor Spock's ideas resulted in many better experiences for children, but it was very difficult trying to live up to his demands. When they were babies Pat was always rushing to our copy of Doctor Spock’s book to see what she should do next. However, such anxieties were not new, in my mother’s time she too was much the same; timing my feed to the second. Dr Spock's new impact, on us at least, was that our children had to develop themselves without any guidance. I now suspect this was a mistake.  Miles later said the he thought we were idiots for not telling him what do.

In the early stages there really wasn't much of problem. It only emerged when children were getting towards school-age, and in particular once they moved into secondary schools.

At that time Pat and I used to have massive rows about our children.  I would want to be much stricter with them, not because I thought they were behaving badly, but because I desperately wanted them to fulfil their potential.  Pat on the other hand wanted to ‘let them express themselves’ -- which I took as meaning to allow them to behave badly: and in particular not to fulfil their potential in terms of studying. This was particularly true of Miles, who showed every sign of being lazy: though he later explained it was that he knew he could get away with doing what he wanted and kept from us from finding out what he was really doing.

I suspect the rows we had, which were quite spectacular at times, had a bad impact of the children -- not least because they must have realised they were about them. Above all, since I always had to give in (since she would never be defeated) it lowered their estimation of me as a father. Miles certainly thought that I was not a good father figure.  For a while, in their early teens, Sarah did admire me as a father figure, as girls do at that time, but she later violently rejected me as such.  Life was made very difficult for fathers by Doctor Spock, and our generation produced children who probably had more problems than they should have done.

As it now is, both our children effectively have one divorce behind them.  Miles rejected us at age of 15 when he was seduced by his teacher, who he later left to marry another.  Sarah rejected us when she got married and was then divorced.

Our friends experience was not be much better.  The only couple whose children now seem to be guilt free are Moira and Derek – who were the only martinets in our group - but even their children had massive hiccups when they both blew their university courses.

Even so, we desperately tried to do our best for the children.  We, in particular Pat, dragged them round every museum and art gallery site – all of which they hated.  When we took our holidays, typically with my parents in caravans, we showed them all of things they ought to see; rather than the beach they desperately wanted to spend their time on. When all else failed, at home we encouraged them to spend their time at home reading good books.

Sarah eventually belonged to the guides, as she painstakingly qualified to be a Queen's Guide; albeit this entailed taking every ‘badge’ under the sun, rather than the exceptional achievements I expected would be demanded! 

Accordingly, of the family time available after my various other commitments, I spent part of an evening a week patiently sitting outside the guides’ hut waiting for her to finish her latest badge.  This was sort of the penalty all fathers had to pay at one time or another.  Mind you, as soon as she had finished her badges, she reached the period when her ‘independence’ became an issue and she went instead to the first of the teen dance clubs.  She even insisted on taking on a Saturday job in Oxford Street to earn extra pocket money. 

Miles tried the Cubs but, typically, never stayed the pace.

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