ETHIOPIA & PRESIDENTIAL ADVISOR
0375
Stylistic Advice to President
[The Ethiopian President was not just the brightest student I have ever had, but one of the modest. Below is a copy of the criticism, on his literary style (which was incidentally superb), he insisted I write!]
Meles Zinawi 15 August 1992
President
Ethiopia
Dear Mr President,
TMA04 B887
First may I thank you for giving me so much of your time tonight. Needless to say I found the conversation fascinating, as well as very reassuring in terms of Ethiopia's future.
As you asked, I have looked at this TMA in terms of style. David McKevitt will, as usual, mark it for content in terms of the requirements for the course itself.
Most important, then, is my overall reaction to the way it is presented.
My immediate reaction on reading it was that it was excellently written. It was as good as any I have seen from the best British students on any OU course. As an author of some experience I would rate it very highly; and it bears comparison with the work produced by the lecturers at the OBS.
It was well structured, well written; and clearly well thought out - the analysis was almost faultless, and the recommendations impressive.
I do not know how David McKevitt will mark it, for I have not seen the question behind it. One factor which may lose you some marks, but is specific to OU TMAs, is that the relation of the material to the course is not heavily emphasised. You have clearly used the concepts from the course; but it helps sway some tutors (though not I suspect David McKevitt - who is experienced enough to avoid this trap) if you lard the text with the 'buzzwords' (the jargon) used on the course! I think you are right to avoid this in terms of style; because such ornamentation would destroy the admirable crispness of your delivery. In terms of style I would rate it as at least 85% to 90%; which is a very high commendation - since OU standards are high and 85% is nearly perfect for British students.
Your specific question was about the length. You need have no fear on this count. The reason it is longer than 1.500 words is that you have gone far beyond the requirement for this TMA. I tried to see if I could shorten the material, but (with very few minor exceptions) failed. You are right in saying that essential material is lost if there are any significant cuts. No doubt an expert editor would be able to cut another 10%, say, which is what mine at the OU seem to be able to do on this type of material; but that is a counsel of perfection, and I think you have much more important matters to hand than becoming a professional editor!
You have asked me to highlight even minor blemishes, though, so I will do this below. I will do it reluctantly because the most important requirement is that you feel comfortable in your writing, so that your existing fluent command of style is not impaired;
My comments will be in page order. I have not commented on the few 'typographic' errors - they happen in the best of documents (and even in some of our published material) and David McKevitt will highlight these on the returned TMA.
Page 1 - In a long document such as this it often helps to provide a summary (of no more than 100 words, say) at the beginning, drawing out the main points of analysis and recommendation. This helps the reader orient himself.
Page 2 - The sentence "The committee then administers exams and interviews and evaluates the results thereof in cases where the selection is for further training or checks on the diploma and certificates, and conducts interviews if it is a case of selecting graduates of vocational schools for immediate deployment." is rather long and complex, and could be made easier to read simply by splitting it into smaller sentences, thus: "The committee then administers exams and interviews and evaluates the results where the selection is for further training. It checks on the diploma and certificates, and conducts interviews, if it is selecting graduates of vocational schools for immediate deployment."
Page 3 - The sentence "Those that are selected by the department of agriculture of Sidamo are assumed to have no need for formal training and are given short introductory explanation on what to do and how to do it and assigned to their jobs." has some slightly clumsy repeats of words which break the flow - a good test is always to try saying it aloud. Again it can be very simply improved by slight repositioning and punctuation, thus: "Those that are selected by the Sidamo department of agriculture are assumed to have no need for formal training, and are given a short introductory explanation on what to do and how to do it. They are then assigned to their jobs."
Page 7 - I was in two minds about: "None of them have any idea of personnel management let alone up to date skills in human resource management. It is very difficult to imagine any proper human resources development under such a pitiful management system." The fact that it shows your anger breaking through is a valid, and useful technique, for bringing the reader up short - and ensuring that the point is made. On the other hand, it does work against the very calm, logically thought out, approach in the rest of the TMA - which simply lets the damning facts tell their own story. On balance I think the latter, cleverly 'underplayed' approach, which you handle so well, is best: "None of those currently involved have the requisite expertise in personnel management, let alone up to date skills in human resource management. It is very difficult to imagine any proper human resources development taking place under such a flawed management system."
Page 9 - Again a bit of repetition which could be easily avoided: "...., when properly communicated to staff should not only enable staff to clearly understand what needs to be done but also help in motivating staff." becomes "...., when properly communicated to staff should not only enable them to clearly understand what needs to be done but also improve their motivation."
The fact that, after spending a couple of hours on this task and putting the text under the microscope, I can only find these five very minor flaws in your very fluent style reinforces what I said above: please keep that style unchanged!
Turning to the problem of the exam, which is proving to be a 'cultural' problem for students outside of the UK, it is important that you talk to the Minister of defence to tap his experience - where he has now developed a very good examination style! You can also do a test for yourself. Simply take one of the questions on the second part of the specimen examination paper for either B881 or B887 and allow yourself exactly 45 minutes (B881) or 1 hour (B887) to complete your answer - then critically analyse what you have done. You will soon work out exactly what has to be done (especially in terms of the short time available to show the examiner how much you have learned from the course) to achieve a good grade.
The key points in the examination are, however;
1) Select the optional questions you answer very carefully. make certain they are the ones which will show your knowledge to its best advantage.
2) Read the question very carefully. Make certain what it wants you to do, and what the examiner is looking for (and if possible what theory from what part of the course it points to).
3) Time yourself very, very carefully (for B881: one and a half hours for question 1 and three quarters of an hour for each of the two on the second part, for B887: one hour for question 1 - which you will have already have and will have prepared - and one hour for each of the two on the second part). Stick to this timetable rigourously and only if you have spare time at the end go back to add to your answer (which you can add on at the end of the last answer book - just so long as you point to this in your main answer).
I am enclosing a copy of the OBS Study Skills package which also gives some advice on examination techniques (in the booklet as marked).
I hope this advice will help you. If you have any further queries please do contact me in the UK. My home number is 0044908679759 and my mobile phone number is 0044831446691.
As you requested, I am enclosing a copy of my Marketing book. The chapters I taught [as an optional extra to the rest of the tutor group] are 2 (Marketing Research - which may also be of particular interest in terms of a useful addition to your armoury of intelligence tools, for finding out what the population here feel about the new developments), 3 and 6 (the Customer and Segmentation respectively - which help put some of the B881/B885 material in perspective). In view of your wish to communicate better with the population, you might also want to look at chapter 11 (on Advertising). This talks about the sophisticated advertising used in the West - but some of the principles described (especially Conviction Marketing) may be useful. The section on Public Relations (PR) in Chapter 12 may offer the best methods for promoting your views, however. Chapter 14, a very brief overview of International Marketing, may also be of interest. Finally, Chapter 15 will show you many of the ideas on planning which are assumed in the courses - though you should be careful for your OBS work (especially in the examination) to use the techniques specifically taught on the courses.
There are a number of spare copies of this book on the bookshelf in my office, in the Congress building, should you want to pass any on to your ministers or senior managers.
Once more my thanks for giving me so much of your invaluable time.
(David Mercer)
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