TO RETIREMENT
9137 Marital Stress - To Divorce or Not?
[This was a rather one-sided plea made by me in the early 1990s when, for what then seemed good reasons, my marriage was under stress. In retrospect it was probably a result of the stresses imposed by the potential dangers of my work in Ethiopia. Whatever the reason, we never did divorce, but the document reflects the sort of stresses many marriages experienced at the end of the 20th century]
DIVORCE OR NOT?
The first point to make is that I do not want to divorce, but I feel I am being forced to it. Essentially, I simply cannot cope with the pressure the marriage currently puts on me (of which more later). It is not a negotiating ploy, or a battle - if we divorce I will be the loser (as will you probably).
My original timescale was for a decision to be taken at some time during the first few months of 1994 - to allow plenty of time for consideration (and to see if there were any alternatives). Divorce was not automatic (though I could not see any obvious alternatives). It was only when you insisted ( before Christmas) that an immediate decision had to be made that the timescale shortened. The fact that I can only see divorce as a solution (and that I have come to the same conclusion several times previously) indicates how bad the situation is. It is a counsel of despair.
My one remaining worry (apart from the disastrous effects of the divorce itself) is that there is still a misunderstanding rather than a total incompatibility (in other words are we simply talking at cross-purposes). I know that you have said there is no such misunderstanding - but equally you have said that your 'pride' forces you to say such things. To ensure that you do understand what the full picture is, and to offer an opportunity for a final 'rethink', I am detailing my view of it below. This is not intended to start an argument as to who is in the right, I certainly would not claim to be (and indeed I recognise that the problem lies with my inability to handle the situation), it is so that you can appreciate what lies behind my actions.
REASONS FOR THE 'DESPAIR'
There are many reasons, which interact, and seem to change daily - reflecting the seriousness of the problem - but the main issues seem (at the moment anyway) to be those below. These are deliberately put in the boldest terms, to highlight my problems. I appreciate that they are very much from my viewpoint (and I imagine you will have a very different view). Please accept them, therefore, as an indication of MY problems and not as an argument as to who is right or wrong.
a) IMBALANCE IN 'PERSONAL RIGHTS'
There has been a lot of talk about personal rights, and with Jacky [the ‘Relate’ councillor who was helping us] we agreed to live our own lives and respect the other's. The only problem is, that from my viewpoint (and I recognise that this might be very biased) this seems to be very one-sided.
- From my perspective, you seem to (quite aggressively) demand, and get, almost all the things you want (6 nights a week out, most of the food we eat, the television we watch, the holidays we take, our possessions etc). It is only where you have no particular choice that my wishes are allowed into play; and even then you often tell me what to do (how to dress, what to eat, how to behave etc). This is not just my subjective view, but is what you have actually said, at times, you expect from the marriage (though, once again, maybe this was not what you really meant to say - or I misheard).
- As per our 'agreement' you (quite rightly) insist that I cannot criticise your lifestyle; but (again as I see it) you often criticise, and bitch, about mine - do you need the car now, why do you have to go into the OU now, why can't you work at night etc? At times you seem happy to infringe my personal rights even when they do not infringe on yours (and when they do you automatically assume that your rights are all that count!).
- You know that I wanted to 'share' our marriage (almost as symbiosis - though Jacky is right to say that this is unrealistic), and to take joint decisions on most things. Even under the 'agreement' the relationship should at least be 'neutral' - with consensus/negotiation being the norm. Instead, at times anyway (and certainly recently) your approach seems to be 'combative'. You assume the outcome is 'zero-sum'; you can only gain if I lose - so you judge your position by what I lose!
- If you want to see how I think you treat me, think of how Tricia grinds James into the dust, and you have a good parallel.
Paradoxically, there should be little problem. My needs now are very simple, almost monastic. All I really want is to write (preferably in a pleasant environment, and with congenial company - you). Perhaps I do occasionally want a little more flexibility, and variety, in our life (but don't you?).
b) THERE IS NO POSITIVE SIDE
In return for what you get from the marriage (not least income) very little seems to be offered in return (possibly only washing the dishes and clothes!). Ignoring my peccadilloes is not enough, especially when I am desperately trying to give them up (and may succeed - which only highlights the situation).
- In recent years there has been almost no involvement in 'traditional' housewife chores, let alone earning income (when most households now are double income).
- I had come to terms with this lack of stereotypical contribution, but had at least thought I had the compensation of love (where I desperately wanted to be loved), but this year with considerable brutality (which you possibly did not realise - though it lies at the bottom of my current problems) you persuaded me not merely that you did not love me but that you had not for more than 30 years. It does not take a genius to work out that love is not likely to be on offer in the future either (though you seemed to think it might be - perhaps you need to explain this); or perhaps it might be semantics - depending upon what you mean by affection (and perhaps I have been at fault by not exploring that).
c) NO FUTURE IS OFFERED
The real problem is that, despite the fact that you know I cannot cope with the situation as I see it, you will not offer any positive changes for the future; even minor ones (and maybe that is all that is needed). All you will say is, very aggressively, that you will not change (it is a matter of principle)! I have to take that or leave it, despite the fact that - as you are aware (and as was recounted endlessly in the sessions with Jacky) I believe the situation has been getting progressively worse for three years (though you still seem not to recognise this), and there is no indication that it will not continue to get even worse still (just, as an example, extrapolate the amount of time you have been spending outside of the marriage; and forecast what lies ahead!).
In particular, at times you seem to judge how good your future by how bad mine will be. It is war again - remember the film the 'War of the Roses', that's us.
d) HISTORY IS ALL NEGATIVE
When asked, you can remember nothing good about our past (though maybe this too is part of the 'battle' mentality). When you talk about it you often do so (even to Jacky) in terms of revenge.
I now begin to understand this, for - since I have come to realise that no love was involved - many of the memories I cherished have now become tarnished. I now recognise that they were fake, so I begin to hate them, But we cannot rewrite our past so that it is all bitterness - that is the way to hell. I still do have warm memories of the past, and I want to keep them. Is it not better to have these, rather than the bile of bitterness?
POSSIBLE SAVING GRACES
It seems to me that if we can resolve some of the above problems (which, in view of my relatively simple needs, might not be insuperable) we might still have some hope - especially as I cannot help feeling that many of the issues are (in the heat of the battle) being described in black and white terms where they should be seen in softer shades of grey.
PERSONAL RIGHTS - if we are to live together it is not unreasonable for each of us to gain from the deal. Both of us should have our rights respected by the other. I certainly respect yours; but I cannot not believe that they should always be at my expense
END TO FIGHTING - I do not see the glory in winning a pyrrhic victory. I don't want to fight all the time. I couldn't care a damn about winning. To put it brutally, can you stop picking stupid, debilitating, fights (or at least in rising to imagined 'baits')?
POSITIVE FUTURE - most important of all, we need to believe that our future together is positive. We have much to share, but if we constantly look at it in terms of exacting revenge there will be no future (remember how the 'Wars of the Roses' ended). I should still have something to offer. Romance may be out, but the activities I am involved in are (by any standards) some of the most interesting around. Do you gain nothing by sharing in these?
DESIRE FOR A SHARED LIFE - in particular, it seems to me that we must want to maximise the benefit of our shared life (not just our income). Not to do so would be to waste a great opportunity. It was the genuinely shared moments of our life together which represented my most treasured memories.
There are very practical benefits.
COMPANIONSHIP - you may find someone else (I definitely will not), but is that a risk you want to take. Would they, in any case, be guaranteed to be more tolerant or supportive - or would they (after the romance had died down) expect you to fit into the stereotypical housewife role (and could you?). Why have we invested 30+ years in each other if not to capitalise on that in our old age.
On the other hand, I now find very real problems with this. I used to love touching you, and our arguments were usually ended when we came into contact this way. Now, however (since you persuaded me that you were faking love), I feel dirty even considering the idea. I have no right to touch you - it would almost be a form of rape. This is perhaps a major problem (which you recognise, since you would not have sex unless I loved you!) which we need to resolve.
FINANCIAL - the real nub of the practical problem is that - as heavily emphasised by my solicitor - we cannot afford to live apart. We would both live separately very much on the borderline. There should be every practical incentive to live together!
So, there is great reason not to divorce, but if I cannot cope there simply is no alternative. That is the problem. It is my problem, but unfortunately you cannot avoid the fall-out from it; and, as far as I can se (and even more unfortunately), only you can solve it! I am not trying to use this as pressure to win any battle, but if we are not to divorce - and in the absence of my having any solutions (I am literally at my wits end) - YOU need to suggest some better alternatives.
Above all, we urgently need to TALK - to try and find a solution - rather than fight to apportion blame. To help this, if I can, I will happily accept that.
[In practice, though I cannot say we lived happily ever after, we are still together more than a decade later; and have found some sort of arrangement whereby life is at least tolerable!]
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